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Good friends empower each other

By Carla Kelly ’22

 

Friendships. We all have them and cherish the companionship it brings, but are we doing what we should be to nurture a healthy relationship? ÃÛÌÒÓ°Ïñ’s Dr. Paul Johns, professor of human development and family science and licensed marriage and family therapist, gives insightful advice on healthy friendships, boundaries and what Scripture says about friendships.

According to Johns, the definition of a healthy relationship is rooted in a friendship that makes you feel safe. This should be a place where you’re able to be yourself and grow, which is inherently rewarding. When you aren’t able to do that in a friendship, and that growth is stunted, the relationship is viewed as becoming unhealthy.

Johns points out that, while friendships should be fun and pleasurable, relationships are not necessarily “happy” all the time. Holding each other accountable is an aspect of friendship that Johns says is enriching. In fact, most of the enriching factors of healthy relationships he lists point to doing something “together” or for “one-another.” That speaks volumes to what a friendship should be about. It alludes to a sacrificial version of friendship where you want the best for the other person.

There is a very clear contrast between this selfless description of friendship and unhealthy friendships. Judgmental criticism, lack of trustworthiness and deceit all point to a very different picture since they are rooted in selfishness and not the selfless and sacrificial friendship that’s considered healthy. Johns references Luke 6:31, among others, as a verse to look at when evaluating our own friendships. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” This connects perfectly with this image of friendship that he is putting together. Johns cautions: “Don’t change this Golden Rule to do unto others what they do to you or to do unto others what they want you to do to them.”

Boundaries are another important aspect of healthy friendships. Dr. Johns referred to the term differentiation and defined it as the ability to be oneself and be connected to someone in a relationship, striking a healthy balance between autonomy and dependence. He added that some level of interdependence is a good thing in a relationship, but used an illustration that helped explain how boundaries should be viewed. He says that we shouldn’t press into someone else’s boundaries, we should wait to be “invited” into someone’s space and “request” access to it. Johns concluded speaking about boundaries by saying, “A relationship that makes us feel trapped, violated and so forth is likely not a friendship .” Although Johns expresses this about friendships, he makes sure to clarify that this does not mean you should completely give up on the relationship. Dr. Johns adds, "there will be times in any friendship that we may feel that it has become a bit unhealthy or out of balance, but good, healthy friends find a way to address these challenges and heal. Just because a friendship gets a bit rough does not mean that we should necessarily run for the hills”.

What are your friendships being built upon? Is it similar to what Scripture has to say about how to treat one another, or has it become an attachment being weighed down by overdependence and feeling trapped? Take time and reflect on the relationships in your life and consider how you can best honor God with them, in your service and support for the other person.